OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
