i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
