I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
