Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
