I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
