Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
