JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
