so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
