i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
