well I can't set my house on fire every night
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
