you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
