Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
