Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
