this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
