eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This is the high leading the old right now
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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