He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
