You don't have asthma, your pregnant
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
