smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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