I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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