the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
