She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
