taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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