You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
