So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
