I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
