We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
pop tarts are not kleenex
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
