Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
