Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
