the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
