I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
