there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
