Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
