he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
