I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
