hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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