i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Never underestimate the power of titties
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
