Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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