Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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