Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
