Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
