im six kinds of drunk right now
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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