if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
