ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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