The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
