are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
