i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
