Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So much rum. So many feels.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
