I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
