I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
