I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
