He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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